Italians as far as the eye can see
(06/06/2005)
He came. He saw. He nearly conquered but not quite. Yes it was the eagerly awaited return to the podium for the beard and owner combo of Max Biaggi. Now some people say that Max, who likes icy pavements as old people often fall and break their hips, has a classic 250cc riding style. Others say he's too scared slide his bike. Whereas all say his beard annoys them. But however you class his style and facial hair Mugello was a track that suited his abilities and it was he who stood aloft the squabbling pack and
proudly declared "I will be the first rider behind Rossi today!" And indeed he was. 
Biaggi. A winner in many aspects, but not in the results.
Italians. They were everywhere! They polluted the track and the trackside like an explosion in a ravioli factory. They also polluted the first four race positions with the podium being deemed 'unsafe' after the top three had sweated neat olive oil on it during their post race celebrations. It was definitely an Italian race for the Italian people with the best non-wop finisher being Carlos Checa in fifth place.
Of course Rossi won the race. But who barring Randy thought he wouldn't? The curious odours of the multi-multi-champion seamlessly blended into the overall basil aroma which could only mean the doctor was paying a home call…even more reason for him to win. And win he did. After his normal average start Rossi forced himself to front group of Melandri and Biaggi where he persistently stayed like the stains on Nakano's 2004 Mugello Y-fronts.
Come the final stages and there were but two gladiators left: the plucky peasant Rossi and Maximous Moanus Biaggi. Rossi had trailed the beard of Biaggi for several laps seemingly trying to find a way of sneaking past the Repsol Honda in front of Biaggi's spectator section. Unsurprisingly, with three laps remaining, he did just that and sent audible groans and mutterings of unequal equipment around the Mugello circuit.
"I didn't see the pass" admitted one Biaggi fan, who oddly also had a beard "Our seating area was not as good as the Rossi section so I could not view everything. I saw the most I could from the view I had available. Next year I demand we have as good a vantage point as the Rossi fans had then I know for sure that I'll see more than them."
Once Rossi hit the front he showed us all that in fact he was just playing games by clearing off to highly deserved and even more highly predicted win. Boring.
"Hi ammer viry, viry ap-pee weetha thee racer two-day." Admitted Rossi. "Miya biker wazza viry, viry slower but hi-hammer hayble tooha ride eet viry, viry fast. For shure hi-hammer app-ee weetha thee ree-zult." (è vero parla così
)
Following Rossi home in true Randy style was Biaggi, but the Italian still wanted more.
"Obviously being on the podium in front of all my fans is great" lied Biaggi. "I had many supporters here today, just not as many as Rossi. Given an equal number of supporters I know I would have won. But I'm not moaning this year so I will not mention the fact that it's clearly unfair."
Now Mugello is anything but a 'point and squirt'* track, but today there was one pointy squirt doing the business. That squirt was of course the scaled down hero Loris Capirossi.
Capirossi, who has to carry a balloon with him at all times to stop him getting lost in long grass , battled tooth and nail** with his fellow stable mate Marco Melandri eventually getting the better of him on the final corner of the final lap.
It was a sweet moment for Bolognaise Ducati to see Loris, accompanied by a grown up, get lifted onto the podium for the team's home race.
"The little snodgrass did outstanding" said a jubilant Ducati mechanic "He [Loris] complained of a few a gremlins in the bike at the beginning of the weekend but we were able to sit down with him and convince him that monsters don't exist…apart from Barros - and he was riding rubbish. Anyway, once we spoke to Loris and gave him a glass of warm milk he felt much better and did the works for us. Better still he only wet the bed twice."
The 'crap on a Yamaha but good on a Honda' Melandri finished fourth behind the stunted Ducati star - a position that failed to flatter the horse faced hero after a race of pure effort. Melandri's late braking antics into the first corner were a delight to watch as the young Italian headed further from the glue factory and more towards the HRC factory bike garage. Unfortunately the Italian thoroughbred was unable to match the pace of Biaggi and Rossi in the final stages and fell into the tiny clutches of Loris Capirossi - but even then he refused to lie down and be shot. Capirossi, using the awesome speed of the Ducati was able to blast past Marco down the long straight only for the Honda rider to wedge it up back up the proverbial yitter of the Ducati. Heading down the straight for the last time it looked as if Loris had whipped Melandri by managing to hold the lead into the first corner - but Melandri hit back by diving under the Ducati into the last corner only to drift wide and allow Loris back through in the final furlong.
"It's difficult to pass Capirossi" admitted a downbeat Melandri "When he gets in front of you he's so small that he looks like he's miles up the road. It's very confusing. Like a false perspective of something."
Despite not being on the podium Melandri's strong result has still left him second in the championship and top Honda rider four points ahead of third placed Biaggi.
"Hang on sec…with all these greasy wops finishing so well, what happened to Gibbers" you cry. Well the Puddle of Mudd front man had a race to forget as his season went from bad to Petronas. The donkey kicker initially looked strong qualifying second to Rossi but when the racing started he seemed unable to live with the ultimate pace. After reading the MGPN preview Sete knew he had to perform and only a win would do deciding it was clearly a 'win or crash trying' situation. Sete, alas, chose option two and threw his evil HRC machine into the beach along with his championship hopes. Even worse for Gibbers was that he managed to get gravel in lodged in his ear and was rushed to Dr Costa (who went to Gloucestershire...or was that Donington?) where the skilled medic attempted to surgically chip it out with stick he'd found behind the pits. The gravel was eventually successfully removed from Sete's ear but he unfortunately picked up over a hundred separate abrasions to his ear, face, eye and groinal regions during the treatment.
With the Italians doing so well it was easy to forget everyone else. And rightly so. Checa and Hayden did okay and managed to stay within the same pasta village as the leaders but the rest of the field did rubbish. Zombie, Tamada, Edwards (who pays for his own website I'll have you know) all had below par outings with Suzuki and Kawasaki failing to produce the goods on race day.
But of all the big losers it would appear that Troy Bayliss was the most bloated of all. The marsupial loving Aussie, who like most Australians prefers to use physical violence to solve problems, finished in a poor 13th position and lost over two seconds a lap on average to the race winner. It's now looking more likely than ever that Troy will be on the first convict shipment home come the end of the season.
On a far happier note there was at last a tiny success for the Team Proton team who finally managed to string more than two laps together without having to send off to Austria for a few hundred crates of spare engines. Although there were no points for Shane 'Wobbly' Byrne the ex-chimney sweep finished the race only two seconds adrift of the factory gastropod Kenny McRobert Junior on the Suzuki. How would Shane have done if he were on the Suzuki and Junior on the Proton? Annoyingly we'll have to wait until next season to find out…
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